I wrote the following in the laundry room the day before I left Cambridge and finished it at the airport in my writing pad. I really wanted to have a re-cap post, but I think this is a bit more fitting to conclude my time in England... especially with real school starting and getting back to the grind of "real" life.
Goodbye, whereismytorch.blogspot.com. It's been fun with you :)
Here it is.
20 August 2010
Pembroke College - Cambridge, United Kingdom
Heathrow Airport - London, United Kingdom
Where do I even begin.
There are few things I love - other than my family and friends - more than I love the feeling of being home. There are few places I love more than Cupertino and Berkeley, where I feel a sense of real presence, of belonging, of "I am here, now" - and where I feel complete and completely apart of the life around me. It's a mix of familiarity and comfort, but it is so much more. It's also a sense of placement, security, and concrete ownership. When I walk around Berkeley, I feel like I am my own territory. There is harmony.
Suddenly I feel myself really feeling at home here, and it feels almost cruel that I am leaving now.
The first few weeks of the program reminded me a lot of the first month of college. Everything seemed very superficial, and there were a lot of awkward social dynamics and cliques. Two months is such a transitional time period; I always felt like I was adjusting, just like in college. Two months' time is exactly the right amount of time you need to finally start feeling like you have grasp on things like friends, location, and finally feeling like you are out of summer school and in real life.
The first month of the program was an echo to my first semester at Berkeley. Being thrown into a foreign situation made me subconscious, uncomfortable, frustrated, and I really didn't feel like I belonged in any group of friends.
After the halfway point, I started feeling a lot more at ease. Everything really started coming together - the academics, the food, friends, managing money, transportation, grocery shopping, walking routes - all the little things that made my day tick. I started feeling like I knew everyone in the programme and I started to get to know the PA's a lot better too. I started to talk to more professors and admissions tutors, and started to actually picture what it might be like to pursue graduate school here. I even became close friends with actual students in Cambridge, and they opened their lives to me and allowed me to view a glimpse through their eyes - taking me to the best local restaurants, working on their masters degrees, doctorate degrees, writing their dissertations, etc.
It was more than just integration. I felt like I fit. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I did it completely on my own - not knowing anyone or anything about where I lived. When I look back on my time in Cambridge, I will look fondly on the trips I took and countries I traveled to. But the memories that will tug at my heart strings will be all the simpler things. The things that made me feel like I was at home. Things like chatting up the local bartenders, conversing with my professors outside of class, shopping at the market, reading in coffee shops, biking around, doing laundry, and drinking tea - even rainy library days - are going to stay with me forever.
In the past two weeks, I've really gotten to know a lot of great people here. It's almost like relationships have been accelerated because we all know it's all coming to an end. I almost think it's cruel that I am leaving now, after I finally feel so settled, so warm, and so comfortable with people that I will literally, never see again. I've made a lot of California friends, but I've also been fortunate enough to have gotten to know a fair amount of people from the east coast, as well as in England.
It's kind of like a two-month summer fling. You approach it with detachment and low expectations - because it's just a vacation from real life, and you know it has to end sooner or later. You know whatever you experience might be exciting, but it's bound to be short-lived. But then, you start to really immerse yourself and invest yourself into the relationship, because you start clicking in ways you didn't expect to. Bluntly, you fall in love. You discover layers and layers. And just when you realize that this could really go somewhere, that it could be your life, it's over. And you have to leave just when you saw yourself in a long term, bigger picture. Of course, I am being overly-sappy and sentimental (I am a bit much sometimes, I apologize), but I guess the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow makes it especially hard.
The past week has been unreal. I've probably slept maybe ten hours this entire week, just working on term papers and studying for finals. I feel like I'm not absorbing enough, not doing soaking it all up. I'm hoping this last formal will be enough for goodbyes and final times.
I had a fleeting glimpse of what life would be like here if I were a real student. I am sitting here with an ache in my heart and a sting in the pit of my stomach. I've finally felt like I've found another home - only to leave right when I can plant my feet on the ground. But I know, this is just a summer, and there is lots left to be learned back home. I don't know if I can say if I've grown, or how I've changed - all I know is that I was really touched here.
Cambridge, you are beautiful. But it's not the blue skies, the green grass, or the way the water looks from the bridges. I love you because you made me feel at home. Real home. This is not goodbye.
All my love,
Katherine
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
• So.
It's finally here.
I am sitting at my desk in my Pembroke room at 6:00am and the room is empty.
I'm leaving for the airport in 20 minutes.
Somehow I have this huge ache in the bottom of my stomach.
We had our last formal hall last night, as in, just a few hours ago. It really hit me then that there are people that I am never going to see again, in my entire life.
Well.
Home awaits.
I am sitting at my desk in my Pembroke room at 6:00am and the room is empty.
I'm leaving for the airport in 20 minutes.
Somehow I have this huge ache in the bottom of my stomach.
We had our last formal hall last night, as in, just a few hours ago. It really hit me then that there are people that I am never going to see again, in my entire life.
Well.
Home awaits.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
• What I am doing here. Of course.
The "Of Course" in this blog title is meant to be used in the following:
"Of course I thought it would be a good idea to go clubbing the last three nights and not start my term paper until the day before it is due."
"Of course I thought it would be a good idea to go idly biking around Cambridge for hours, and then go shopping instead of working on my thesis."
"Of course I knew I had to write 30 pages of research papers and take two final exams in the span of three days... and I STILL waited until the last minute to start everything."
And of course, now I am taking a break to blog instead of writing my paper.
SIGH. Of course.
And now I am sitting in King's Library in my usual corner with my buddy Mohammad, and we are planning to sit here and crank this out. We have a saying around here about term papers and projects: "It will get done." This is a less-enthusiastic take on the saying "I can do it" because it entails more gripe and grind, and less actual motivation.
It's after dinnertime. Everyone is filtering in and out of the library, and I know by the time midnight hits, all the seats will be filled. It's a bit chaotic and frantic, but it's also nice because of the sense of camaraderie between all of us. Everyone brings in their snacks and two-liter bottles of water to prepare for the long night ahead. These are definitely papers that we could have written ages ago, but we chose to take day trips to London, or travel to other countries, or just simply nap by the river instead. King's Library is very snuggly, because it's not very big but there are a lot of corners where you can surround yourselves with books. It's also very safe and family-like, because you can leave your laptop and possessions in here and no one will take them (so in other words... not like at Berkeley).
The library is very research and work-friendly too, because they have this cool system where you can pile all your books on a table and leave a library slip in the top book. Your books won't be moved or re-shelved by anyone (for up to five days), so you can come back to read the books at any time. You don't have to re-collect them from the shelves, OR carry them around with you. How awesome is that?!
It's kind of cute too because then you can go around the tables and flip through people's books to see what they are studying. It's kind of like seeing someone's work in pause-mode... but not in a creepy way.
Maybe in a creepy way.
The library system is actually very interestingly independent here. I have to do a lot of my own research with sources that are not on the internet, so I do a lot of library work. I only have access to the Pembroke College and King's College library (because those are the only colleges in my program) but those libraries are very small and the resources are limited. I can't go into any of the other 29 colleges, and in order to use the most important books for my papers, I have to go to the University Library.
The University Library is a 25-minute walk from my dorm room, and it was ridiculous just to get access to. First of all, it has a lot of very old books, and they only give privileges to real term students. Only doctors/postgraduate students can even check out books. In order just to get in to the library, I had to get a letter of recommendation from my program director. Then I had to make an appointment with the dean of admissions. Then after that, I had to go to another office to show my passport, and I got a temporary ID card with my photo on it. Then I had to sign a bunch of forms. And THEN I got to go into the library.. and I only needed like two books! The day before I trekked there almost half and hour in the pouring rain without an umbrella, only to be turned away because I didn't know I had to make an appointment. I was soppy wet. And I was like. Come on!! I only need like a few photocopies of pages from two books.
Excuse the Asian in me, but IT WAS VERY 麻煩.
:(
The library itself is very grand and pretty in the sense that it has SO. Many. Gorgeous. Books. And in one room they have books that are over 200 years old! They had books from Jefferson's library and Franklin's books on the printing press, and if you read a book you had to put it on a beige satin pillow with tassels for book placers. Most of the people in the library were people that were 50+ years old, which is not what I usually see in a university library. I loved watching them flip through the delicate pages of rotting-old books, scribbling furiously in their notebooks. On my way to find my research books, I stumbled upon THESE.
GORGEOUS musical scores by Handel, Mozart, Haydn, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Beethoven, you name it. I almost died with happiness. I found an entire WING dedicated to analysis on music, opera, and ballet. Heaven.
They don't even let you take your backpacks in there because you might steal something, so they make you put everything in a locker. They checked my ID at least twice, even though I already had a library badge AND a library card. Ugh.
Anyway, I guess I started writing this post because I realized that it's the end of the term and I haven't really talked about what I am doing in my last two classes of the program. Aka, "What I am doing here." You know, the schmancy stuffy stuff of what I am studying.
And so, if anyone is interested:
Art and Satire - Political Humor in 18th Century Britain:
On Monday (tomorrow) I have a 15-page term paper due, and I'm supposed compare the political tone of two 18th century artists. We are mainly studying Hogarth and Gillray in this class, and so far it's actually been really interesting. British humour (even back then) is surprisingly risqué and often times has a lot of lewd bathroom humour and sexual undertones. There aren't a lot of high-quality prints available online, but the books in the library are very helpful. EXCEPT that SOMEONE took the Hogarth and Gillray books from the reference section last night, and it set me back on my progress. They are REFERENCE for a reason... you are not supposed to take them out of the library. I am going to kill someone. But yeah, I think (although my paper is due in like 17 hours and it somewhat alarms me that I am still using the phrase "I think") I am writing on how Gillray compares to Hogarth in terms of "political candour" and I'm also comparing their individual takes on social satire.
Birth of the Modern - Modern Philosophy:
This class is mainly focused on the Enlightenment and the birth of modern thinking (natural law, science, religion/secularization, etc.) and it is very hard. The professor really cares about his students, but I struggle in this class mainly because he references a lot of political terms, history, movements, dates, and people that are way out of my area of knowledge. WHERE are Benjamin Lin and Nate Perkins when you need them?! Also, our professor didn't give us any topic for our term paper... he literally said "you can write about anything you want." That is probably the worst thing he could say, because I definitely don't feel comfortable writing a 20-page research paper on a subject I know almost nothing about. I wish he would gave us more than just "do whatever you want."
BUT it's okay. I talked to him on Thursday about how I didn't really know what I should write about - but I did bring up how I was interested in analyzing the ballet and music of the time period. My professor said that this idea was fine, but he was worried that I wouldn't be able to view any ballets in such short notice. The next day, he came up to my after class and gave me a DVD of Giselle, one of my favorite ballets of all time. Apparently, he had special-ordered it overnight, and gave it to me as a source for my research paper. DANG. I was so appreciative and I can't believe he did that. It was super nice!
SO. For my final paper, I have decided to apply what I've learned in class about Romanticism to the French Ballet system. I'll be researching 17th-century ballets, particularly focusing on Giselle, and writing about how the choreography and music apply to ideas influenced from the Enlightenment/Romantic era. Kind of. I hope this goes okay. I am mainly dedicating all my time to my Art/Satire paper right now, and how I am going to find time to watch and analyze a 3-hour ballet to write this other paper is worrying me. But I have until Tuesday night.
It will get done.
Of course, I can complain as much as I want to, but I love it all. I really do. There is something so beautiful about actually physically running around to different libraries and leafing through books, and taking down notes by hand. I haven't done this in a while and it feels good to know that I am scavenging for resources and creating an actual product.
Tomorrow marks the last of my last 5 days here. It will be filled with frantic hours in the library studying for finals, last pub nights, last club nights, last garden parties, last tea afternoons, and last formal dinners. On Thursday my friends decided to rent out bikes for a day to explore more of the city. We ended up biking around the backs of the river, throughout the city, and around the countryside. I'm going to do a whole photo-post dedicated on our ride, but for now, here are some highlights:
We biked by grazing cows, rowers, people fishing in the river, and we explored some famous landmarks and beautiful colleges. Cambridge is so stunning. I cannot believe I am leaving so soon.
I am leaving the programme a day early on Friday morning. After that I go back to Berkeley four days later. Oh life.
Anyway, back to papers and madness. Grrrrr that reminds me. I have 800 un-uploaded photos and I am so tired. I refuse to upload them on facebook. I refuse. When I have time I'll just do a massive photo binge when I get home or something.
For now, I leave you with another study picture. This was taken by Ryan on Thursday after I was rejected from the University Library and had to walk back in the rain. I retreated to King's Library and read in my little corner for an hour to make myself feel better.
See you guys on the other side.
Katherine
"Of course I thought it would be a good idea to go clubbing the last three nights and not start my term paper until the day before it is due."
"Of course I thought it would be a good idea to go idly biking around Cambridge for hours, and then go shopping instead of working on my thesis."
"Of course I knew I had to write 30 pages of research papers and take two final exams in the span of three days... and I STILL waited until the last minute to start everything."
And of course, now I am taking a break to blog instead of writing my paper.
SIGH. Of course.
And now I am sitting in King's Library in my usual corner with my buddy Mohammad, and we are planning to sit here and crank this out. We have a saying around here about term papers and projects: "It will get done." This is a less-enthusiastic take on the saying "I can do it" because it entails more gripe and grind, and less actual motivation.
It's after dinnertime. Everyone is filtering in and out of the library, and I know by the time midnight hits, all the seats will be filled. It's a bit chaotic and frantic, but it's also nice because of the sense of camaraderie between all of us. Everyone brings in their snacks and two-liter bottles of water to prepare for the long night ahead. These are definitely papers that we could have written ages ago, but we chose to take day trips to London, or travel to other countries, or just simply nap by the river instead. King's Library is very snuggly, because it's not very big but there are a lot of corners where you can surround yourselves with books. It's also very safe and family-like, because you can leave your laptop and possessions in here and no one will take them (so in other words... not like at Berkeley).
The library is very research and work-friendly too, because they have this cool system where you can pile all your books on a table and leave a library slip in the top book. Your books won't be moved or re-shelved by anyone (for up to five days), so you can come back to read the books at any time. You don't have to re-collect them from the shelves, OR carry them around with you. How awesome is that?!
 |
| This is a compilation of all my research materials. Ooooooohhhh weeeeee. |
Maybe in a creepy way.
The library system is actually very interestingly independent here. I have to do a lot of my own research with sources that are not on the internet, so I do a lot of library work. I only have access to the Pembroke College and King's College library (because those are the only colleges in my program) but those libraries are very small and the resources are limited. I can't go into any of the other 29 colleges, and in order to use the most important books for my papers, I have to go to the University Library.
The University Library is a 25-minute walk from my dorm room, and it was ridiculous just to get access to. First of all, it has a lot of very old books, and they only give privileges to real term students. Only doctors/postgraduate students can even check out books. In order just to get in to the library, I had to get a letter of recommendation from my program director. Then I had to make an appointment with the dean of admissions. Then after that, I had to go to another office to show my passport, and I got a temporary ID card with my photo on it. Then I had to sign a bunch of forms. And THEN I got to go into the library.. and I only needed like two books! The day before I trekked there almost half and hour in the pouring rain without an umbrella, only to be turned away because I didn't know I had to make an appointment. I was soppy wet. And I was like. Come on!! I only need like a few photocopies of pages from two books.
Excuse the Asian in me, but IT WAS VERY 麻煩.
:(
The library itself is very grand and pretty in the sense that it has SO. Many. Gorgeous. Books. And in one room they have books that are over 200 years old! They had books from Jefferson's library and Franklin's books on the printing press, and if you read a book you had to put it on a beige satin pillow with tassels for book placers. Most of the people in the library were people that were 50+ years old, which is not what I usually see in a university library. I loved watching them flip through the delicate pages of rotting-old books, scribbling furiously in their notebooks. On my way to find my research books, I stumbled upon THESE.
GORGEOUS musical scores by Handel, Mozart, Haydn, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Beethoven, you name it. I almost died with happiness. I found an entire WING dedicated to analysis on music, opera, and ballet. Heaven.
They don't even let you take your backpacks in there because you might steal something, so they make you put everything in a locker. They checked my ID at least twice, even though I already had a library badge AND a library card. Ugh.
Anyway, I guess I started writing this post because I realized that it's the end of the term and I haven't really talked about what I am doing in my last two classes of the program. Aka, "What I am doing here." You know, the schmancy stuffy stuff of what I am studying.
And so, if anyone is interested:
Art and Satire - Political Humor in 18th Century Britain:
On Monday (tomorrow) I have a 15-page term paper due, and I'm supposed compare the political tone of two 18th century artists. We are mainly studying Hogarth and Gillray in this class, and so far it's actually been really interesting. British humour (even back then) is surprisingly risqué and often times has a lot of lewd bathroom humour and sexual undertones. There aren't a lot of high-quality prints available online, but the books in the library are very helpful. EXCEPT that SOMEONE took the Hogarth and Gillray books from the reference section last night, and it set me back on my progress. They are REFERENCE for a reason... you are not supposed to take them out of the library. I am going to kill someone. But yeah, I think (although my paper is due in like 17 hours and it somewhat alarms me that I am still using the phrase "I think") I am writing on how Gillray compares to Hogarth in terms of "political candour" and I'm also comparing their individual takes on social satire.
Birth of the Modern - Modern Philosophy:
This class is mainly focused on the Enlightenment and the birth of modern thinking (natural law, science, religion/secularization, etc.) and it is very hard. The professor really cares about his students, but I struggle in this class mainly because he references a lot of political terms, history, movements, dates, and people that are way out of my area of knowledge. WHERE are Benjamin Lin and Nate Perkins when you need them?! Also, our professor didn't give us any topic for our term paper... he literally said "you can write about anything you want." That is probably the worst thing he could say, because I definitely don't feel comfortable writing a 20-page research paper on a subject I know almost nothing about. I wish he would gave us more than just "do whatever you want."
BUT it's okay. I talked to him on Thursday about how I didn't really know what I should write about - but I did bring up how I was interested in analyzing the ballet and music of the time period. My professor said that this idea was fine, but he was worried that I wouldn't be able to view any ballets in such short notice. The next day, he came up to my after class and gave me a DVD of Giselle, one of my favorite ballets of all time. Apparently, he had special-ordered it overnight, and gave it to me as a source for my research paper. DANG. I was so appreciative and I can't believe he did that. It was super nice!
SO. For my final paper, I have decided to apply what I've learned in class about Romanticism to the French Ballet system. I'll be researching 17th-century ballets, particularly focusing on Giselle, and writing about how the choreography and music apply to ideas influenced from the Enlightenment/Romantic era. Kind of. I hope this goes okay. I am mainly dedicating all my time to my Art/Satire paper right now, and how I am going to find time to watch and analyze a 3-hour ballet to write this other paper is worrying me. But I have until Tuesday night.
It will get done.
Of course, I can complain as much as I want to, but I love it all. I really do. There is something so beautiful about actually physically running around to different libraries and leafing through books, and taking down notes by hand. I haven't done this in a while and it feels good to know that I am scavenging for resources and creating an actual product.
Tomorrow marks the last of my last 5 days here. It will be filled with frantic hours in the library studying for finals, last pub nights, last club nights, last garden parties, last tea afternoons, and last formal dinners. On Thursday my friends decided to rent out bikes for a day to explore more of the city. We ended up biking around the backs of the river, throughout the city, and around the countryside. I'm going to do a whole photo-post dedicated on our ride, but for now, here are some highlights:
We biked by grazing cows, rowers, people fishing in the river, and we explored some famous landmarks and beautiful colleges. Cambridge is so stunning. I cannot believe I am leaving so soon.
I am leaving the programme a day early on Friday morning. After that I go back to Berkeley four days later. Oh life.
Anyway, back to papers and madness. Grrrrr that reminds me. I have 800 un-uploaded photos and I am so tired. I refuse to upload them on facebook. I refuse. When I have time I'll just do a massive photo binge when I get home or something.
For now, I leave you with another study picture. This was taken by Ryan on Thursday after I was rejected from the University Library and had to walk back in the rain. I retreated to King's Library and read in my little corner for an hour to make myself feel better.
See you guys on the other side.
Katherine
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