• Conclusion.

I wrote the following in the laundry room the day before I left Cambridge and finished it at the airport in my writing pad. I really wanted to have a re-cap post, but I think this is a bit more fitting to conclude my time in England... especially with real school starting and getting back to the grind of "real" life.

Goodbye, whereismytorch.blogspot.com. It's been fun with you :)



Here it is.

20 August 2010
Pembroke College - Cambridge, United Kingdom
Heathrow Airport - London, United Kingdom


Where do I even begin.

There are few things I love - other than my family and friends - more than I love the feeling of being home. There are few places I love more than Cupertino and Berkeley, where I feel a sense of real presence, of belonging, of "I am here, now" - and where I feel complete and completely apart of the life around me. It's a mix of familiarity and comfort, but it is so much more. It's also a sense of placement, security, and concrete ownership. When I walk around Berkeley, I feel like I am my own territory. There is harmony.

Suddenly I feel myself really feeling at home here, and it feels almost cruel that I am leaving now.

The first few weeks of the program reminded me a lot of the first month of college. Everything seemed very superficial, and there were a lot of awkward social dynamics and cliques. Two months is such a transitional time period; I always felt like I was adjusting, just like in college. Two months' time is exactly the right amount of time you need to finally start feeling like you have grasp on things like friends, location, and finally feeling like you are out of summer school and in real life.

The first month of the program was an echo to my first semester at Berkeley. Being thrown into a foreign situation made me subconscious, uncomfortable, frustrated, and I really didn't feel like I belonged in any group of friends.
After the halfway point, I started feeling a lot more at ease. Everything really started coming together - the academics, the food, friends, managing money, transportation, grocery shopping, walking routes - all the little things that made my day tick. I started feeling like I knew everyone in the programme and I started to get to know the PA's a lot better too. I started to talk to more professors and admissions tutors, and started to actually picture what it might be like to pursue graduate school here. I even became close friends with actual students in Cambridge, and they opened their lives to me and allowed me to view a glimpse through their eyes - taking me to the best local restaurants, working on their masters degrees, doctorate degrees, writing their dissertations, etc.

It was more than just integration. I felt like I fit. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I did it completely on my own - not knowing anyone or anything about where I lived. When I look back on my time in Cambridge, I will look fondly on the trips I took and countries I traveled to. But the memories that will tug at my heart strings will be all the simpler things. The things that made me feel like I was at home. Things like chatting up the local bartenders, conversing with my professors outside of class, shopping at the market, reading in coffee shops, biking around, doing laundry, and drinking tea - even rainy library days - are going to stay with me forever.

In the past two weeks, I've really gotten to know a lot of great people here. It's almost like relationships have been accelerated because we all know it's all coming to an end. I almost think it's cruel that I am leaving now, after I finally feel so settled, so warm, and so comfortable with people that I will literally, never see again. I've made a lot of California friends, but I've also been fortunate enough to have gotten to know a fair amount of people from the east coast, as well as in England.

It's kind of like a two-month summer fling. You approach it with detachment and low expectations - because it's just a vacation from real life, and you know it has to end sooner or later. You know whatever you experience might be exciting, but it's bound to be short-lived. But then, you start to really immerse yourself and invest yourself into the relationship, because you start clicking in ways you didn't expect to. Bluntly, you fall in love. You discover layers and layers. And just when you realize that this could really go somewhere, that it could be your life, it's over. And you have to leave just when you saw yourself in a long term, bigger picture. Of course, I am being overly-sappy and sentimental (I am a bit much sometimes, I apologize), but I guess the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow makes it especially hard.

The past week has been unreal. I've probably slept maybe ten hours this entire week, just working on term papers and studying for finals. I feel like I'm not absorbing enough, not doing soaking it all up. I'm hoping this last formal will be enough for goodbyes and final times. 

I had a fleeting glimpse of what life would be like here if I were a real student. I am sitting here with an ache in my heart and a sting in the pit of my stomach. I've finally felt like I've found another home - only to leave right when I can plant my feet on the ground. But I know, this is just a summer, and there is lots left to be learned back home. I don't know if I can say if I've grown, or how I've changed - all I know is that I was really touched here.

Cambridge, you are beautiful. But it's not the blue skies, the green grass, or the way the water looks from the bridges. I love you because you made me feel at home. Real home. This is not goodbye.

All my love,
Katherine